How to Manage Your Child’s Meltdowns
A case for validating their emotions
Ohhh the terrible twos, or threes, or fours….is there any end in sight?! Who knew that such a small person could cause so much chaos? Maybe you cut his apple the “wrong” way or you grabbed her purple shirt instead of the green one. Maybe the word “no” sets her off Every. Single. Time.
Unfortunately, these big feelings and meltdowns are here to stay. In fact they’re developmentally appropriate for your one to four year old. Tantrums are HARD and can suck every last ounce of energy and patience right out of you. Our work as adults is to remain calm and compassionate, and to not join in the chaos.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do in these hard moments is simply validate how your child is feeling. Validating your child’s feelings means acknowledging their emotional experience without judging, criticizing, or abandoning them. It’s recognizing that your child has thoughts and emotions that are very real to them, regardless of whether or not they are logical or make sense to you.
What validation is not: comforting or fixing a problem. Acknowledging your child’s feelings does not mean that there are no boundaries. Instead, validating their emotions means acknowledging the realness of your child’s internal experience. Emotional validation can and should be used for ALL emotions, not just the tough ones.
Emotional validation sounds like this:
“You’re really mad that we have to go inside. Playing outside is fun! I wish we could stay outside too.”
“You want to play with that toy. You are sad because you can’t have it right now. Sharing can be really hard.”
“I can see that you’re really upset. Do you need a hug?”
“Wow, you’re really frustrated because you couldn't figure out your toy. Let’s go pick it up and work on it together.”
“You’re happy because we get to go to the park and you love going down the slide!”
Validating your child’s emotions doesn't mean that they won’t have any more temper tantrums, but it does mean that they will feel understood. I believe in empathy over tough love. Research shows* that emotionally intelligent children are more resilient, do better in academic settings, and are able to form meaningful relationships with others.
Here’s your homework:
Make a list of any big emotions that your child has shown in the past few days. Happiness, sadness, anger, excitement, frustration. Think about each situation and write down an emotionally validating statement that you could have used. Now, try this practice out as situations arise. Remember, emotional validation is a skill and like anything new, it takes practice.