Parenting shy children

Last June, I showed up at a friend’s house to teach a private yoga class to a group of 3- and 4-year old children.  The scene was chaotic- some kids were on the playground, some were running through the yard yelling and laughing loudly, and some were in the sandbox.  I noticed one little girl on the swings who was looking around nervously and insisting that her mom stay right next to her.  During the class this same little girl spent most of the class watching the others and held her favorite stuffed toy close.  With her mom’s encouragement she cautiously tried a few poses and quietly whispered a couple answers to questions. 

My goal with kids’ yoga is for all children to enjoy the class and get something out of it.  This looks different for each child.  I never push children to participate or share with the group if they don’t want to. 

I believe in honoring each child where they are. 

I noticed that this little girl’s mom never pushed her to do something she was not comfortable with.  She stayed close to her and offered gentle encouragement and reinforcement.  She never shamed her for not participating, instead she honored her feelings and need for support.  As the weeks progressed this same little girl slowly participated more and more.  By the end of our 6-week session she was answering questions out loud, doing partner poses with the other children, and hugging me at the end of class. 

All children have different temperaments. 

Unfortunately, many educational settings are geared towards outgoing, extroverted children.  As a therapist, kids yoga teacher and former preschool teacher I have seen this play out so often in classrooms I’ve been in.  It’s easy to focus on the children who are commanding our attention and just as easy to overlook the child who is keeping to themselves. 

So, what can you do?  How can you support and encourage your more cautious, observant child? 

Here are 3 steps for supporting shy children in new situations:

1.     Prep for and role play new situations

  Letting children know what to expect and what’s going to happen next is key for all children but it’s extra important for shy children.  Talk through the new situation before it happens.  Discuss what it might be like and who will be there.  Let your child ask questions and give them as much information as possible.  Some children may benefit from and enjoy role playing new scenarios at home. 

2.     Honor your child’s feelings and provide support 

Allow your child to experience new social situations while letting them know you are there to support them.  Don’t avoid play dates or group activities just because your child is nervous.  Instead, provide your child the support they need in the moment.   Know that progress may be slow.  At a new play date your child may want to stay right next to you the whole time.  That’s ok! Let them engage more as they are ready and do not push it. 

3.     Use emotional validation to positively reinforce

Let your child know that you understand how they feel and that you are proud of them for engaging in new experiences and situations.  This might sound like “Going to someone’s house for the first time makes you feel worried.  It’s ok to be worried.  I will stay with you as long as you need.”  Or “You were scared to go to ballet class, but you went anyways.  I am so proud of you for trying something new!”

Remember you are your child’s best teacher, support system and advocate. 

When you practice supporting your child exactly as they are you create a warm and safe environment that fosters growth and learning.